I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
