Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
