There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
