please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I love having hate sex.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
