allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
