i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
