my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize
