He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
