i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
