Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
