Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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