also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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