I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
