I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
