On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
