im holly from the hills drunk
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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