$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
