My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
