i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
