I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
