Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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