If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
