he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
