My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
