here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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