ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
