I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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