The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
