Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
