If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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