i may or may not be watching the land before time
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
