i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
