Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
