Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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