i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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