My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
