My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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