Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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