I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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