We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
