just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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