Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
