i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
