I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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