I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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