so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
