but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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