I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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