I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I smell like Dick and happiness
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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