i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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